Disappointment

What do you do when it all turns to dust?  This was the theme we looked at our last Sunday morning gathering.   We focused on the Narrative Lectionary reading for the day, which was Hosea 11:1-9. We heard  that along side of “Midnight Train to Georgia“, sung by The Indigo Girls.   Both readings presented us with scenarios where things did not go as hoped or planned, and gave us a picture of some of the swirl of emotions that come with disappointment. When we find ourselves in this situation, we are very likely to make harsh judgements about ourselves or our lives. Saying things like “why cant i get it right!” or “what is wrong with me?” or “I’m hopeless/bad/ a failure/an idiot/a fool/etc…”.  Psychologist Kristin Neff who wrote the book Self Compassion (2011) says that people frequently think that giving ourselves a hard time – beating up on ourselves –  will help us to improve and do better.  Her research into this has shown the exact opposite to be true.  People do better, and are more compassionate towards others, when they can show compassion to themselves. Neff suggests that when things go wrong there are three things we can do

1. acknowledge the pain we feel. Turn towards it, instead of away.
2. be kind and caring.  Say comforting things to ourselves – just like we would to a good friend who was in the same situation, and then
3. Remind ourselves of our common humanity.  Disappointing things happen to everyone. Everyone makes mistakes. It is normal and natural to feel like this in  light of what happened.

When we are able to see our experience as one that is common to humanity, we feel less alone, less isolated. It is easier from this place to feel connected to others and then to be kinder and less judgmental, towards ourselves and others.

Poet David Whyte links disappointment to transformation and says:
Disappointment is just the initial meeting with the frontier of an evolving life, an invitation to reality, which we expected to be one particular way and turns out to be another, often something more difficult, more overwhelming and strangely, more rewarding” . (Whyte, Consolations 2015)